Is This the Rest of My Life?
Will I Always Choose Stability Over Ambition?
I'm a reluctant public school teacher.
I didn't go to college for education, so I don't wear bright colors with oversized headbands. My handwriting isn't neat, and I don't know how to make macaroni art.
I applied for a job teaching English because of a national teaching shortage.
My graduate school application was rejected, and I was one year from aging out of my mom's health insurance, so I had to put my writing ambitions aside and focus on stability.
But what if this isn't a temporary decision?
Will I always put my writing ambitions aside to focus on stability?
What if this is it?
The moment I decide the rest of my life, or has that moment passed?
My Life Will Never Be Less Complicated
I am one of those mythical single women in my mid-twenties who doesn’t have children or a romantic partner to consider. My commitment to staying in one place ends after the school year.
During our week's visit, my district mentor asked me about my long-term goals and how teaching fits into that.
She pulled up my LinkedIn profile to check that it was up to date and asked, "Who is this woman? The trendy bob. The deep V-neck. The passion in your eyes. I've never seen that look from you before."
It's an old photo. It was taken before I was fired from my first job for inexperience, diagnosed with Autism, and spent the next two years underemployed.
"So, you're an entrepreneur? You're a writer who creates digital content. Why not be that? Put your energy into that?"
I tried that. I spent two years building up my Twitter following only to watch Elon Musk buy the site and slowly dismantle my online writing community.
I looked for jobs at traditional media outlets, but I couldn't get in the door. I didn't have the conventional experience they were looking for.
I decided to ditch the traditional publishing model, which requires years of unpaid work before issuing an advance, by posting articles online and trying to create momentum around my writing.
Now, I know there are no shortcuts when it comes to writing. I must pivot my digital presence around the whims of tech billionaires and put in years of unpaid labor. It's a grind.
I Like Having a “Day Job”
Living with a combination of ADHD and ASD means that I crave structure and fight against it.
Having a “day job” means I have to get up at the same time every day and go to bed around the same time.
Having a “day job” means I have to leave my house every day and socialize with people I would probably avoid.
I must shower, put on makeup, and look presentable.
And, I go home everyday knowing that I did my part. I can’t change the education system or who the president is, but my kids have a teacher who cares.
In this political environment, I consider it an act of resistance to participate in public education, regardless of my students zip code.
Teenagers Make Sense To Me
My students often ask me who I was in high school. I was the girl writing poetry in her math notebook, ranting about how no one takes her seriously.
I found it annoying when teachers punished the whole class because one student acted up.
I didn't trust authority figures, and sometimes I still struggle with authority because the adults I trusted the most turned out to be people who didn't know all the answers.
Ironically, the kids who remind me of myself are the hardest to teach. They ask the obvious question that I’m not allowed to answer. If I admit that a rule I am contracted to enforce is pointless, I lose my authority.
Why should they follow rules that don't make sense?
Why should they be subject to broken systems?
Teenagers have ideals yet to be tested. They are taught to identify problems but have not yet been tasked with finding solutions.
Sometimes, there isn't a better answer.
Sometimes, this is the best we can do at the moment.
It takes time to cut through years of bureaucratic red tape and neglect.
It takes resources people aren’t willing to allocate.
Most broken systems are broken on purpose.
I Can Choose to Change
I’ve been walking around the last few months in a depressive haze. I chose to teach so I could focus on my writing, but I’m spending my weekends and evenings on team calls that require me to turn my camera on.
Sure, I could pick up and move across the country, but with what savings account?
What support system? I’m not outgoing enough to move where I don’t know anyone. Making friends as an adult is hard enough.
Then it hit me: I have the power to change. I have the power to decide this isn’t the rest of my life, and if I can’t move across the country or start a job at a major publication, then what can I do?
I can start publishing articles again.
I stopped publishing my writing after I started teaching because I feared how my students would react.
Then, when one student found my one remaining public social media account and said, “It’s cringy, but you’re always cringy, so what’s new?” That was that.
It wasn’t the career-ending event that I thought it would be, and honestly, I want to model for my students that you can continue to follow your dreams, even if you work full-time.
Small Changes Create Life-Changing Habits
I’m not going to wake up tomorrow with a brand new life. I’ll still be living on a teacher's salary, attending training on curriculum standards, and reheating frozen meals.
But I woke up this week to a notification that a writer tagged me in an article they wrote, which was inspired by an article I wrote a few months ago.
I hit a new writing milestone this week. An article I wrote almost two years ago hit $300 in total earnings.
I still have a lot of time to decide the rest of my life, but if I can write and maintain a meaningful career, isn’t that enough?
I decide the rest of my life.
I don’t know what will happen next, but the choice will be mine.
I’ve spent the last few years investing in myself and my dreams, so whatever happens next, isn’t an event that happens to me.
My life and my priorities will change. I’ll always choose between stability and ambition, but I’m so lucky to have that choice.
It’s mine.
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